But why traditionally cook a turkey using tried and true culinary methods whenever you probably can merely as merely menace life, limb, and homestead to torch your feast to perfection with a jet engine? What is likely to be additional American than putting the ending touches in your Flamin’ Hot Cheetos turkey recipe with a blowtorch? Absolutely nothing. Completely rhetorical.
In the supersized land of the free, larger and badder is all the time larger. Besides, if the early American colonists taught us one thing it was most truly a lesson or two about overkill. So sit once more, settle down, bust out the bibs and ranch and luxuriate in the most absolutely pointless ways to systematically rework a turkey into carbon this Thanksgiving.
Just roast it with your Lambo
Finally, a cooking methodology match for a Big Tymer. If you possibly can have a candy-painted Lamborghini, you are taking any and every various to flaunt it. Even if this means conspicuously and inefficiently using exhaust backfire to put collectively your Thanksgiving feast. Since you’re already seemingly merely burning money, may as properly punt a Butterball in the quarter-of-a-million-dollar dumpster fireplace.
Can your Mercury Topaz do that? Nah.
Torch it to lack of life with this issue
If there’s one issue we love larger than a glazed hunks of torched cancer-meat, it’s monster truck points — making this a frequent twofer. What is that abomination you ask? Oh, that is the Flash Fire Jet Truck with a “fire-breathing 12,000 horsepower jet engine” slapped on the once more for full-effect. Simply grasp your preferential bagged Butterball someplace, anyplace behind this beast and dinner is all nonetheless served.
Let’s face it, this turkey was born for the sole operate of being brutally defeathered with a retailer vac, sluggish roasted in carbon emissions, after which transcend into its subsequent life via our bowels.
Maybe a bunch of flashlights?
The real-world lightsaber FlashTorch flashlight is extremely efficient ample to ignite flamable provides on contact and even fry an egg. We had the various to test one these unhealthy boys in the office and, think about it or not, it’s merely as terrifying particularly particular person. Apparently, some individuals have tried to cook a turkey with a jury-rigged tools of talked about terrifying flashlights. Using this technique, will the flesh putrefy sooner than it ever is totally cooked? Yes. Do you menace a extreme probability of foodborne illness using this technique? Also, positive. The choice is yours.
Texas Turkey: Cook it in a trash can
Seeing as The Lone Star State has led the nation in Thanksgiving Day grease- and cooking-related insurance coverage protection claims for seven years working, it’s truly no shock this proud Texan took the cooking to exterior merely to be safe. While there are bigger prime quality and barely additional informative step-by-step rubbish can turkey tutorials on-line, none keep a candle to the pure cinematic gold seen above. As well-known by our super host, remember to have your welding gloves helpful as a results of that trash can is “mucho caliente.” That’s Spanish for “a lot of hot,” notably.
Hell, might lob it at the photo voltaic
Just a few years once more, some industrious individuals at NASA bought right here up with a few clever ways to cook up a turkey with a few of the most refined units the home firm had lying spherical. This ranged from using a run of the mill satellite tv for pc television for laptop dish and a few Kapton to even stowing a turkey on a photograph voltaic probe.
Perhaps when the firm launches the Parker Solar Probe subsequent summer season season, the firm will take into consideration bringing a turkey in tow. Considering the additional weight ought to solely worth $150,000 to launch into the cosmos, this seems low cost ample. The probe will orbit merely 4 million miles from the photo voltaic and experience temperatures up to 2,500 ranges Fahrenheit — larger than ample to get these 13 herbs and spices up to temp.
Besides, what is likely to be a additional relevant tribute for our species than a jettisoned twice-baked, antibiotic-resistant, gentically modified turkey drifting via interstellar home destined to deplete in an alien surroundings as a taking photos star? Absolutely nothing.
Thanks given actually.